Coercive Abuse; The Silent Violence in Relationships

Coercive Abuse: The Silent Violence in Relationships

When most people hear the word abuse, they picture bruises, shouting matches, or clear physical violence. But abuse doesn’t always leave visible scars. One of the most dangerous and manipulative forms is coercive abuse—a slow erosion of your autonomy, your safety, and your sense of self.

Coercive abuse is about control through threats, manipulation, and fear. It’s the abuser’s way of making you believe that your choices, your actions, or even your identity give them the “right” to punish you. It’s not just about what they say—it’s about the twisted logic behind it, where somehow you are always to blame for their cruelty.

What Coercive Abuse Looks Like

Coercive abuse doesn’t always shout—it whispers, threatens, and corners you into compliance. Here are some examples:

• Threats of exposure: “I’ll call DHS and tell them you’re a bad mom.”

• Isolation tactics: “I’ll tell your parents everything. They don’t really love you anyway.”

• Criminalization threats: “I’ll call the police and say you’re on drugs.”

• Conditional threats: “If you don’t do this, then I’ll do that.”

The common thread? Each threat is meant to force compliance. It corners you, making you feel like you have no safe choice except to do what the abuser demands.

The Double-Edged Sword: “Don’t Make Me…”

In my own experience, this type of manipulation was constant. My ex-husband would make terrifying threats—threaten to call DHS, to ruin my reputation, to turn me into the police, even to make my family believe the worst about me.

And then, he’d follow it with statements like:

• “Don’t make me do these horrible things to you.”

• “You need to stop now.”

• “I don’t want to be the bad guy here, but you’re making me.”

The cruelty wasn’t just in the threats—it was in the blame. He painted himself as a victim of my choices, as though I held the power over whether he had to carry out his punishments. The truth was, I had no power at all. It was his choice to threaten me. But the manipulation made me believe I was the one pulling the strings, the one “forcing” him into being cruel.

Why This Is Abuse

This is the essence of coercive control: the abuser reframes their violence as your responsibility. They convince you that if you just behave, submit, or obey, then you’ll be safe. But that “safety” is always temporary and conditional. It’s a trap designed to break you down.

Abuse like this is not about anger, love, or passion. It’s about power. It’s about keeping you small, scared, and compliant. And because it often doesn’t involve physical harm, it’s harder to explain to others. People on the outside may not understand the weight of constant, looming threats.

🚩 Red Flags of Coercive Abuse

• Constant threats tied to your behavior

• “If you don’t ____, I’ll ____” ultimatums

• Blaming you for their cruelty (“You make me act this way”)

• Threats involving children, family, or police

• Control disguised as “protection” or “love”

• Fear of retaliation whenever you say no

What Happens When You Don’t Comply

The hardest part of coercive abuse is that it conditions you to believe obedience is the only way to survive. And for a while, that’s true—because when you don’t comply, the punishment comes.

For me, disobedience wasn’t just “not listening.” It was daring to have boundaries, daring to say no, daring to live my life outside of his control. And every time I pushed back, I paid a price.

If I refused his demands, the threats would escalate. Sometimes it was a storm of cruel texts. Sometimes it was him showing up, following me, watching me, trying to corner me into submission. The fear wasn’t just about what he might do—it was about knowing that he already had a track record of doing it.

This is the cycle of coercive control:

1. Demand → He gives you an ultimatum.

2. Threat → If you don’t comply, he promises punishment.

3. Punishment → If you resist, he follows through—through stalking, harassment, or emotional warfare.

4. Blame → He insists it’s your fault for “making” him act this way.

It’s not about love. It’s about domination.

The Process of Leaving

Breaking free is one of the most dangerous and terrifying steps a survivor can take. When I finally moved out, I thought the abuse might end. But leaving doesn’t end coercive abuse—it simply changes the battlefield.

Instead of yelling in my face, the abuse came through text messages, stalking, being followed, and constant surveillance. The message was always the same: I’m still here. I still have power. You’ll never really escape me.

Even now, long after the relationship ended, he continues from afar. The threats, the watching, the attempts to insert himself into my life—they haven’t stopped. That’s the cruel reality of coercive abusers: they don’t just let go, because their entire identity thrives on control.

Why Leaving Feels Like War

When survivors decide to leave, the abuser feels their grip slipping. And instead of backing down, many escalate. They become more desperate, more volatile, more determined to remind you that you “belong” to them.

For me, leaving meant stepping into constant hyper-awareness. Every car that slowed down near my house. Every unknown number on my phone. Every glance over my shoulder when I was out. The abuse had conditioned me to be afraid of what comes next—and that fear didn’t magically vanish when the relationship ended.

Finding Safety and Support

If you are living under coercive abuse, I want you to hear this: you are not alone, and you are not to blame. What’s happening to you is not love—it’s control, and it’s abuse.

Leaving a coercive, manipulative partner is never easy. It takes planning, courage, and often outside support. If you’re in that place, please don’t try to do it in silence. There are resources and people who can help you take back your life.

Here are some places to start:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or thehotline.org — 24/7 confidential support by call, text, or chat.

• Local Domestic Violence Shelters and Advocacy Centers: Many communities offer emergency housing, legal support, and counseling. Even if you don’t need shelter, advocates can help you make a safety plan.

• Law Enforcement & Courts: While not always perfect, protective orders and police reports can help build a record of ongoing harassment and threats.

• Trusted Friends or Family: Break the silence. Choose someone safe and let them know what’s happening so you’re not carrying the burden alone.

My Final Word

Coercive abuse thrives in silence and secrecy. Breaking away from it is terrifying because the threats feel endless and the punishment feels inevitable. But the truth is, every step toward freedom is a victory.

I know firsthand that even after you leave, the shadow of abuse can follow. The stalking, the threats, the feeling of being watched—it’s real, and it’s terrifying. But here’s what I’ve learned: he doesn’t own me anymore. Every day I live in my truth, share my story, and protect my peace is a day I win against his control.

If you’re fighting the same battle, please know: you can win too. You deserve freedom. You deserve love that doesn’t hurt. And you deserve a life that no one else controls.

✨ To anyone reading this who’s in that place right now: you are stronger than you think, braver than you know, and you are not alone.

Much love,

Isabella Killmer